Music, live prank calls, and fake commercials since a year Mr. Butt declines to disclose.
With a used transmitter, a folding chair and a vision he has only ever shared by memo, Mr. Butt signs WBUT on the air. The first words ever broadcast on 101.1 are "See attached." Nothing was attached.
The station operates out of a van parked behind Huff Gas on Route 9. Huff Gas becomes our first sponsor. Their slogan, "Huff Gas, Eat Ass," is approved by Mr. Butt without being read, and is now contractually locked in forever.
A golden retriever in wayfarers wanders into the van, sits in the host chair and refuses to leave. He is named Program Director the same afternoon, mostly for having sunglasses. He has not taken them off since.
The station drops its "just songs" format and starts taking the phones live. Ratings immediately soar among listeners currently listening. Rival station WDUM issues a statement. Nobody hears it.
"My name is Ron! Ron Hu!" A simple southern man calls the request line to sell a bass boat, stays on the line for six hours and offers to wrestle the board operator. He is given his own show, Tradio, because nobody could get him to hang up.
A live call to Tony's Pizza requesting a calzone "with a hole in it, right in the middle, don't ask what it's for" airs during the lunch rush. Tony's Pizza signs on as a sponsor to make it stop. It did not stop.
The station receives correspondence from a federal agency regarding its broadcast license, its programming, and "the calzone matter." The letter is professionally framed and hung in the lobby next to the station's first dollar.
A bat moves into the studio ceiling. After a brief standoff, the station relocates to the top floor, which, it was pointed out later, is closer to the bat. The bat now lives on the roof. We have an understanding.
The station's star host announces his run for Prankcast Comptroller under the slogan "Make No Bones About It." He has told reporters he is not gonna lie to them, and that he does not know what a comptroller does.
101.1 The Butt remains the number one station among listeners currently listening to 101.1 The Butt. Thank you for being one of them. I listen to 101.1 and I'm a slut for the butt, as the listeners say. We did not ask them to say that.
Dr. Sniffington, host of Science Hour, holds a doctorate in Smelling Things from a university he describes as "real." Every question is answered with rigorous testing. The testing is licking.
"Dear Dr. Sniffington, is it safe to lick a fire hydrant?"
— Curious, 5th & Main
Dr. S: That depends entirely on the hydrant. I tested eleven hydrants downtown. Ten were a no. October's Hydrant of the Month was, frankly, a revelation. Always lick the hydrant of the month, and only the hydrant of the month.
"My friend puts grease on everything. Doors. Shoes. His sandwich. Is it safe to lick?"
— Worried in the Industrial Park
Dr. S: Gary, we know this is you. The return address is Gary's Grease. No, it is not safe. I licked a sample for this column and I can now hear colors.
"Is it safe to lick a calzone that has a hole in it? Asking for me. Tony."
— T.C., signed with a little drawing of a calzone
Dr. S: Tony. Absolutely not. Not after what you told us on the air the hole was for. I have asked the station to forward all future letters from you directly to the prayer line.
"I listen to 101.1 The Butt and I just got my cheeks clapped. Is that safe?"
— Name withheld at listener's request (we have caller ID, Cmann)
Dr. S: That isn't a science question. That's the station slogan. But as a doctor I'll say this: stretch first, hydrate after, and do not call in about it during Science Hour again.
"Is it safe to lick the waffle maker at the La Quinta?"
— Anita Room
Dr. S: Surprisingly, yes. The La Quinta cleans that waffle maker hourly, mostly to keep their hands busy between calls from someone who shouts LA QUINTA at them. Lick freely. Leave a tip.
"Is it safe to lick a nine-volt battery?"
— Iregretjumping
Dr. S: You already did. I can tell from the handwriting. The answer is "once," and you've used it.
"Is it safe to lick the studio microphone?"
— Lil' Studio Dog, Intern
Dr. S: That microphone has been within six inches of DespicableDogs, Ron Hu and four hundred coffee cups. I swabbed it. The swab left the building on its own.
Have a question for Dr. Sniffington? Send it in and pick "Contest question," since we never made a "Licking" option.